You Are the Potter, I Am the Clay

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord:  “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

Then the word of the Lord came to me.  He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel." Jeremiah 18:1-6

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Pictures From the Past Year

Growing Pains PT.1

I normally write a blog on my birthday and this years is really late but I wanted to write one anyway.
I'm having a hard time grasping that I am 22 years old now. I feel like I am officially an adult now. There is no going back to being a teenager, no more using my age as an excuse for why I can't do something. I am no longer "too young" to attempt something.

The past year has definitely been one of growing up. Being involved in DLA and growing closer to God and others has changed me in ways I never could have imagined a year ago. God has been doing so much in my life that I feel like an entirely new person. When I started DLA I honestly had no idea what I was getting into. If you had told me before DLA the things that I would be doing and that I would actually be enjoying it, I would have told you that you were crazy. Now that my first year is over and my second year has begun, I'm starting to look back and remember what I was like at the beginning of DLA and I can see how much I have changed.

While I have come a long way I am still struggling with a lot. My flesh isn't killed all the way yet and it sure does like to cause a lot of problems. Surrendering all of me is a lot harder and a lot longer of a process than I thought.
Being asked back for Missional is great, but at the same time it is the last thing I want to do this year. A part of me is like "Why are you doing this to yourself again? Last year was the hardest year of your life and you want to do a repeat?!" This has been my battle lately. It is so hard to trust and follow God when I have no idea what He is doing in my life. When I am left to just put one foot in front of the other because I have no other option. I want to just stand still until He shines light on the path ahead; until He tells me in exact detail what He wants me to do.
Instead He just smiles and says "Trust me, I've got this." And my initial response  is "NO FREAKIN' WAY!"
Because what it comes down to is that I am afraid to fully trust God. Oh I say I do and in areas where He has proven Himself faithful again and again and again I trust Him. But not in this area. Not in these circumstances. I am so scared of being let down. I am afraid He will drop me. That He is only manipulating me for His purposes, that love and change for my good isn't His objective but just to use me however He sees fit. I don't want the process, I just want to already be there, to already have great faith. I don't want to deal with all the pain. I don't want responsibility. I don't want to choose. I don't want to grow up. I don't want change.

But I do want to change and mature. I do want to choose, to grow up and be responsible. I have to keep reminding myself to fix my eyes on Jesus. To not let myself be discouraged or distracted. I have to go to Jesus everyday with my fears and failures and say "Here I am, do with me what you will. I take up my cross and follow you." I guess this is part of growing up. I never knew dying to myself was so painful and so hard. Its like standing on the edge of a cliff and deciding whether to fall or not. Do I trust that God will catch me? Do I dare stay on the cliff? Isn't there an option that's in between?

But God says there isn't. I'm either all in or all out. I either choose to walk in the light or to walk in the dark. Learning to follow God this past year has been the biggest adventure of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything but I don't think I would chose to go through it again. 

God keeps reassuring me that this is where He has me. There are so many verses I have received this past year that keep reminding me that God is holding onto me. He has placed so many awesome brothers and sisters in Christ in my life to help me, speak into me, and love on me. In the prayer meetings He has shown me again and again His faithfulness by bringing verses to mind and by people praying over me.
I am slowly but surely realizing that I am going through all this for my own benefit. God does know what He is doing and it is for my good. I am experiencing God in ways I never have before and I am closer to Him than I ever have been. I think that just possibly 22 is going to be the one of the best years of my life. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Chick-Fil-A and More

Since I am having such a hard time finishing the posts I have started about the deep, spiritual things in my life I thought I should post about some of the more ordinary things until I can get the rest sorted out.

I have finally found a job (after much confusion and frustration which I might write about in another post) at Chick-Fil-A. The store I will be working at is currently closed for renovations so I am working at a sister store in the meantime. It has been a lesson in humility. The first day I worked I wanted to quite. I remembered all the things I hate about the fast food industry. The grumpy people, the fast pace but the need to still be customer centered, and the not-knowing-what-the-heck-to-do-because-I-haven't-worked-in-two-years. It was challenging.  Things are a little better now but I'm still praying that this is temporary, that the Lord will move me somewhere where I feel like I am working toward my goal of being a missionary. Then the Lord reminded me today that in order to be a good missionary I have to know how to serve people. Hence Chick-Fil-a. I know God has a sense of humor.

Other than working I am going to 4 prayer meetings a week as well as several church services. God is teaching me so much and a lot of it has been painful and somewhat intense. I think right now we are working on selfishness and killing it. Not a fun process but definitely a necessary one. I am slowly and begrudgingly admitting that God did have a plan in bringing back to Colorado this year. While I am still not sure what exactly that is I know that it does involve me sitting at His feet and listening to what He has to say.  He told me to be a Mary this year and not a Martha. He wants for me to become even more intimate with Him than I was last year. Honestly this has been freaking me out as I do not do transparency well. I don't like for people to get too close. And He wants to get close. Really close.  I know that He created every part of me and He already knows everything about me but it still gives me shivers to think about Him wanting to talk and be with me in a different way than I have experienced before. I'm not sure if that is fear of the Lord or just fear of relationship. Maybe both. For now I will trust Him in this and take it a step at a time. He knows what He is doing.

"All of my fears and failures 
I lay them down for something more 
For more, for more of You 

All that this world can offer 
I give it all away for more 
For more, for more of You." -More by Urban Rescue

Drafts

So one day soon I WILL post a new blog. At the moment I have four different drafts for four different blog posts. Hopefully my thoughts will come together in one sweeping finale and I will be able to post at least one of them.

Home

As I sit typing this in my parents kitchen my mind goes back to days in the past when it would not have been unusual for me to be sitting here. It is weird how life changes without us really choosing it. It never entered my mind that at some point in my life Amarillo would not feel like home. I knew I couldn't always live here but I thought it would still be home no matter where I lived.
 While part of that is true, I don't feel quiet as attached as I did before DLA. But I also don't feel at home in Colorado. It is nice and I like living there but it's not home either. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly feel at home again, at least while I'm living on this Earth. 
I know the Bible talks about us being separate from the world and that our home is in Heaven. Some days I feel that way. It makes me think of that C.S Lewis quote that says

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."

This brings me hope and sadness all at once. Won't I ever feel comfortable here? Will I always feel like I am missing something? I don't know the answers to those questions. I do know that God will provide for me wherever I am. I know that I am here for a reason, that going through time, challenges, hardships, joys and sorrows are not in vain.So no matter where "home" is I know that I will be ok. Eventually this homesickness will go away and I will know joy unspeakable. Until then I am just a traveler in this world, journeying toward my eternal home.

Traveler's Song by Future of Forestry

Loneliness

Loneliness is something I'm having to learn to deal with. I am surround by people during the week but sometimes I feel lost in the crowd. There are 36 of us in the Lead Track and then I don't know how many more in Missional Track. People see me as the "quiet one" which means that most people don't really try to talk to me. I do have friends but its hard to schedule time to hang out when we all have so much going on. I guess thinking about it, there are so many things going on its amazing we talk at all. And to be honest I'm bad at reaching out to others as well. I never know what to say or do without coming across as awkward. I think maybe that is what the real problem is, I have no idea how to connect to people. I feel like I have been trying to figure that out my whole life. I'm always surprised when someone has had an experience similar to mine because I feel so ostracized sometimes. I feel like this incredibly awkward person who will never fit in anywhere. People try to categorize me in the awkward home school group but I have just enough social skills to not fit in there, but too much naivete to fit in with the public schoolers. I'm not really sure what I am looking for in people. Probably something that I will only ever find in Jesus. At times that is hard to swallow, especially when I see people together doing things that I would have liked to have been invited to. But then sometimes when I am invited to things I turn people down just because. I purposely exclude myself and then I regret it. Why do I do that? Am I that scared of being vulnerable? All I know is that I will definitely have to take this to Jesus. I am so glad that He never leaves me and that I am always invited to do things with him, no matter how I feel. Thank you God for being so good to me. Even when I am such a mess.

Valentine's Day

Everyone either hates or loves Valentine's day and normally it has to do with whether you have a significant other or not. Neither of these reasons has anything to do with what I want to say. 

You see three years ago I almost attempted suicide on Valentine's  Day. It was 7 months into my anxiety attacks and I was at a low point physically and spiritually. I felt like I was at absolute rock bottom and there was no way out that I could see. I was so angry at God for letting me get to this place, so mad that He would let me sink that low. Through a series of events and people showing me love, I was prevented from hurting myself and I went on to get counseling and help. Looking back now I can see that God was there that night and He was looking out for me. 

Today a dear friend of mine wrote me a note with the verse from Revelation 12 that  says "They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." It hit me that this is true in my life. I have overcome my anxiety disorder and depression, but ONLY because of Jesus and what He has done in my life. He has changed my life radically in the last 3 years and brought me to a place I thought I would never see. He has blessed me so much more than I deserve. He has brought people into my life that have lead me toward truth and Himself. Even when I felt like I was completely alone, He had not deserted me. He has brought my life up from the grave and restored me. During prayer meeting today God brought Isaiah 61:3 to mind and it says "to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor."

 It is talking about what Jesus does for those who believe in Him. He has truly done this for me. He has given me beauty instead of the ashes I once was clinging to. He has given me joy instead of the sadness and fear I used to constantly feel. He has taken me out of the pit of despair and given me a spirit of praise and thanksgiving. He is in the process of planting my roots deep in Him so I will not be shaken. He has overwhelmed me with His goodness and love. I am not the same person I was and I thank God for that! I still have struggles and I still fight fear, but now I know that I am not alone, that I can overcome. I owe it all to God. I pray that today you can look back in your life and see the ways that God has been with you. Remember that today is not about having someone special, it is about showing love. Go and show love to someone else today, you never know just how badly they might need it.  

New Year

I am dreadfully behind on writing posts on here. I guess I would much rather read than write. I'll work on that.
So in the past month and half I went home on break from DLA and celebrated the holidays with my family and friends. Now I'm back in Colorado and can't wait to see what this year holds!