Loneliness

Loneliness is something I'm having to learn to deal with. I am surround by people during the week but sometimes I feel lost in the crowd. There are 36 of us in the Lead Track and then I don't know how many more in Missional Track. People see me as the "quiet one" which means that most people don't really try to talk to me. I do have friends but its hard to schedule time to hang out when we all have so much going on. I guess thinking about it, there are so many things going on its amazing we talk at all. And to be honest I'm bad at reaching out to others as well. I never know what to say or do without coming across as awkward. I think maybe that is what the real problem is, I have no idea how to connect to people. I feel like I have been trying to figure that out my whole life. I'm always surprised when someone has had an experience similar to mine because I feel so ostracized sometimes. I feel like this incredibly awkward person who will never fit in anywhere. People try to categorize me in the awkward home school group but I have just enough social skills to not fit in there, but too much naivete to fit in with the public schoolers. I'm not really sure what I am looking for in people. Probably something that I will only ever find in Jesus. At times that is hard to swallow, especially when I see people together doing things that I would have liked to have been invited to. But then sometimes when I am invited to things I turn people down just because. I purposely exclude myself and then I regret it. Why do I do that? Am I that scared of being vulnerable? All I know is that I will definitely have to take this to Jesus. I am so glad that He never leaves me and that I am always invited to do things with him, no matter how I feel. Thank you God for being so good to me. Even when I am such a mess.

Valentine's Day

Everyone either hates or loves Valentine's day and normally it has to do with whether you have a significant other or not. Neither of these reasons has anything to do with what I want to say. 

You see three years ago I almost attempted suicide on Valentine's  Day. It was 7 months into my anxiety attacks and I was at a low point physically and spiritually. I felt like I was at absolute rock bottom and there was no way out that I could see. I was so angry at God for letting me get to this place, so mad that He would let me sink that low. Through a series of events and people showing me love, I was prevented from hurting myself and I went on to get counseling and help. Looking back now I can see that God was there that night and He was looking out for me. 

Today a dear friend of mine wrote me a note with the verse from Revelation 12 that  says "They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." It hit me that this is true in my life. I have overcome my anxiety disorder and depression, but ONLY because of Jesus and what He has done in my life. He has changed my life radically in the last 3 years and brought me to a place I thought I would never see. He has blessed me so much more than I deserve. He has brought people into my life that have lead me toward truth and Himself. Even when I felt like I was completely alone, He had not deserted me. He has brought my life up from the grave and restored me. During prayer meeting today God brought Isaiah 61:3 to mind and it says "to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor."

 It is talking about what Jesus does for those who believe in Him. He has truly done this for me. He has given me beauty instead of the ashes I once was clinging to. He has given me joy instead of the sadness and fear I used to constantly feel. He has taken me out of the pit of despair and given me a spirit of praise and thanksgiving. He is in the process of planting my roots deep in Him so I will not be shaken. He has overwhelmed me with His goodness and love. I am not the same person I was and I thank God for that! I still have struggles and I still fight fear, but now I know that I am not alone, that I can overcome. I owe it all to God. I pray that today you can look back in your life and see the ways that God has been with you. Remember that today is not about having someone special, it is about showing love. Go and show love to someone else today, you never know just how badly they might need it.