Sometimes My Brain Says No, But My God Says Yes

Today is my 5th day at DLA and it feels more like it has been a month. God has taught me so much just in that small amount of time. We have had long talks about my fear and trust issues. During many of the prayer meetings God has been calling me to give Him absolutely everything of me. He keeps asking me to hold nothing back, to trust Him in every aspect of my life this year. Sometimes I feel like He is asking the impossible of me. But as I read the Bible and listen to God more, I realize that what He wants to do is to make my life better. Who wants to go around afraid of everything? Who wants to be so afraid of failing that they never try? I am so tired of living like that. God has been showing me many verses on this subject. Philippians 4: 8-9,12-13; 3:13-14; Psalm 33:22, and those are just a few of them! He has made it so clear that He is trustworthy. My brain just has a hard time comprehending it. I am starting to learn to overrule my brain and listen to God. After all what do I know compared to the Creator of the universe? Another verse that He keeps bringing to my mind is Psalm 116:7, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." God has been good to me, more than I could have ever imagined! I am so blessed to be in DLA, to have this opportunity to grow closer to God, and to be around Godly people. I am going to make the best of it by giving God my all, holding nothing back and trusting in Him for everything. This is going to be a good year :)

Faith vs. Fear

     As many of you know I struggle with anxiety disorder. My journey to DLA has definitely brought out my anxiety attacks again. I was so sure I had them under control this summer. I felt at peace about everything and I knew that God was in control. Then I started to slack on my quite time with God, and things in the fear department got worse. I have had two panic attacks in the last two weeks, the most I've had in a year.

     I am so scared of the unknown and how I might fail miserably at DLA. I am also afraid of letting everyone that believes in me doing this down, especially those who gave money when I know that they needed it. I guess in a nutshell I am scared of failing at DLA and letting myself, and everyone else, down. My dad and I have had some really good talks the last two weeks about my fear and about what my job is at DLA. He keeps reminding that I have to completely trust in God, that He has everything in control. 

    Now of course this doesn't mean that I have no control over what happens, it means that I need to realize when I have control of things and when I need to realize God is in control. I just need to keep reminding myself that if I do fail, God gives second chances. He is not sitting up there just waiting for me to mess up so He can smite me. I often feel that that is the case. That if I mess up one too many times that He will get fed up and abandon me. I know I would have abandoned me a long time ago if I were Him. I am so glad that God is not like me. While I do not understand why He is the way He is, I am extremely grateful for it. 

   Like the song "Forever Reign" by One Sonic Society it says:

 "You are peace, You are peace

 When my fear is crippling 

You are true, You are true 

Even in my wandering."

     This song has really spoken to me in the past month. God's ways are not my ways. No matter what happens in Colorado God is in control. He is not sending me up there all by myself. He will be there every second of every day. I have nothing to fear. This verse has also helped me in dealing with all this. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18. 16 Therefor we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

   I just need to keep reminding myself that God is good. He does not delight in doing wrong to me. I pray that as I go through the DLA program I will come to learn more about Him and to lean on Him more.

The Adventure

I said goodbye to most of my church family of 5 years yesterday and today. It is a small comfort that it is not goodbye forever. I know that I will be back to visit but I also know I will not be a part of the church in the same way ever again. God has plans for me that require me to leave Amarillo for now. I may be leaving for good but that remains to be seen. I know that even if I never live in Amarillo again it will always be my home town. The people I've met and the things I have experienced have made me who I am and no matter where I go I will carry a small piece of Texas with me. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be a part of a church where everyone genuinely acts like family. Everyone there has helped me grow so much in my faith and relationship with God. I am going to miss you all so much! I know that I will make many friends at DLA but they will never replace the spot my FLC family has in my heart.