Surrender

Surrender. Such a small word with such large implications. I'll admit that surrender is something that I struggle with, especially in my walk with Jesus. I use my anxiety as crutch for why I can't let him take control of certain situations. "Oh sorry Lord, can't let you have that or I'll have a panic attack, you understand." I try to control my life and things in it because I think I know better than the Creator of the universe, and even if I don't think I know better, I know for sure that my way will cause me less pain in the here and now. Until it doesn't. Until I am hurting and broken and asking God why He let this thing happen. God is gracious and kind and sits with me in the pain of my own making and gently leads me to the place He wanted me at the beginning. If only I had listened and surrendered the first time.
So I learn my lesson in that area until another situation comes up and again I am presented with the choice, surrender or my way? Oh how I wish I always chose surrender. But surrender is scary and fear is a liar.
 "What will people think of you Liz?"
 "What if this doesn't work?"
 "What if this hurts instead of helps?"
All the doubts come rushing in and I let them. Since my panic attacks started about 9 years ago I have been going to counseling on and off. Recently my counselor and I have been talking about how powerfully connected your thinking is to what your actions are. If I think about the fear, I will be fearful. If I remind myself that God has NEVER failed me, NEVER let me down or led me astray, than I live in the peace of keeping my mind on the truth. Surrender is easier when I am remember WHO I am surrendering to and don't let myself be bogged down by all the whats that might happen. I pray that this is a year of growing the in my trust of the Lord and His leading. May I not be afraid to jump into what He has called me to. May I lean into the knowledge that He is good.

A Quarter of a Century Young

I turn 25 today. It's an odd thing to realize you are 5 years away from being the big 3 0.  I was re-reading my previous birthday posts and for my 22nd birthday post I wrote about learning to trust Him, which is something I am still struggling to do, but in different ways than when I was 22. I am glad that I wrote about my struggles during that time because I so easily forget all that God has already brought me through. It's good to look back and remember that, yes, God IS faithful. So I thought that I would write a list of things that I have learned this year and things that have changed in my life since I last wrote that 22nd birthday post.

1. I got a handle on my anxiety and panic attacks, through the grace of God and counseling. Some times I still struggle with anxiety but it has gotten so much better as I've learned to trust God more and know that He holds me. 
2.  I attended Desperation Leadership Academy and had my life radically changed by Jesus. In fact going through DLA has probably been the most challenging and rewarding thing I have done so far. Jesus is so faithful and good.
3. I moved back to Texas after living in Colorado for three years. Y'all I love the Panhandle but nothing beats autumn in the mountains. Although Texas totally has better sweet tea and Mexican food. 
4. I have learned more about being a friend and what true friendship is through the help of some really wonderful people. I also learned that having long distance friendships stink, especially when you are too poor to buy plane tickets to Washington, Indiana, and Arlington on a regular basis. 
5. I am learning that I am capable of doing things if I put my mind to it, trust the Lord, and don't let fear convince me otherwise. For example, I am in my second semester of college and I currently have all A's. This is not something I thought was possible five years ago. 
6. I have also learned that even if I don't get all A's in school, it does not mean I am stupid or a failure. It just means I'm human, and hey, B's get degrees. But I'm pretty sure I'd cry if I ever got a C.
7. I've learned that rarely will anything in life happen the way I want. Choices do have consequences and you and the people around you pay for those choices, whether they are good or bad. But Jesus also redeems and restores situations in ways I never thought possible, so when things look bleak, just hold onto him. He won't let you go. 
8. Wanderlust is a real thing and I have it bad. I have always wanted to see as much of the world as possible, but getting to visit one of my friends this summer in Washington state and seeing the beautiful northwest only further convinced me that this is a feeling that is not going to go away any time soon. Anyone want to pay my way to Ireland? Anyone? 
9. What I have learned most of all in the short 25 years I have been alive is that God loves me more than I can imagine and that His way and His plans for me are so much better than my own. I know I still grumble and rage against them sometimes, but really I know that in the end He is God and He knows better. Even when He leads me somewhere I'm not comfortable. Even when I am heartbroken and others around me are heartbroken. Even when I wonder why He allows so much pain and heartache in the world I hold onto the hope that He will redeem every situation. 

So I guess my word for this next year of my life is hope. Hope that God will not leave me where I am now but will continue to grow and change me into the woman that He wants me to be. Hope that I will be brave enough to trust Him and where He is leading me. Here's to being 25, may I live it well and to the fullest.

Love. Part 1

Love, a word that is used to convey our violent like for something or someone. I've been struggling with this word lately; what exactly does it mean to love?

People tell me all the time that they love me: ending a phone conversation with one of my family members, saying goodbye to a friend/acquaintance, when I text someone something nice about themselves, are of these examples of love? or just really strong liking? 

I no longer trust when people tell me that that love me. I have been hurt and betrayed too many times by people that claimed to "love" me. For me, love is about consistent action and not just words. SO MANY TIMES I have heard the words "Aw Liz I just LOVE you!" and too many times that person never contacts me again. Now, I realize that friends come and go as we grow older, but this has happened to so often to me that I wonder if it is not an epidemic in our world. I know I struggle with doing the very same thing to people. I say something nice so they know that I am nice person, but I never really pursue getting to know them. 
I think we as Christians try to encourage people by telling them that we love them, but we never back it up with our actions. Love is not just saying encouraging words, it is walking through life with people, being there for them when they need you, going out of your way and making sacrifices to help better them as a person. Love is supposed to be selfless. 


But real love is hard, one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I run from this kind of love. This is my current struggle with God. He keeps telling me that in order to love others, I have to accept the love He has for me. I am fighting this though. I am fighting to accept the knowledge that no matter what I say or do, God loves me. How can this be when everyone I have ever known has based their love for me on the actions I make? I keep thinking that in order to truly be loved by God I need to be doing something spectacular for Him, like be a missionary or a martyr. 

I have always been moved by the story of the 5 missionaries who gave their lives so that the Auca Indians in the Amazon jungle could come to know Jesus.  Jim Elliot is one of my heroes. I knew that God loved him because Jim was willing to die for God. So I thought to myself, " If I become a missionary then God will have to love me, because I will be sacrificing for him and he will know how much I respect him." Totally wrong view point I know, but I'm starting to realize that this thinking has consumed much of my view of God. That if I make sacrifices in my life for him then he has to take me.

 One of the problems with this view point is that so far I haven't done much sacrificing. I so want to live over seas and help other people, but all those doors have been slammed in my face. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that I had no real idea of why I want to do that so badly. With those doors closed I have become upset, angry, confused, and hurt. If I can't sacrifice the way  I want to then how is God going to be able to accept me? What if I am doomed to live in America my whole life? How can I be a good Christian then? I wish I could say that realizing that I have been thinking this way has helped correct some my wrong thinking but it hasn't. It has only made me feel worse. And I am not sure what to do about it.

 Letting God in to love me just because He made me and wants to love me is scary, and I'm not sure I want to do it. I feel like the prodigal son when he wants to tell his father that he is fine with just being a servant in his father's house, JUST LET ME BE A SERVANT! I don't need to have your love because I know I don't deserve it. Just let me serve you, don't come any closer and this will work out fine. But He won't do it, He won't let me just be a servant. I keep thinking that at some point I will wear him out and he'll give in and I can get along fine on my own, but I know I can't and I know he won't. So here I am, stuck in this sick cycle of my own making. Fearing love, but desperately seeking it at the same time.   

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

Then I read that passage of Scripture, which basically says I can be a servant all I want but it won't matter one bit if I don't love. That being a servant without loving the people I am serving is worthless. But I can only love others if I know that I am loved; I cannot give what I do not have. I know this, but I still fight it. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for fighting it. "Just give in Liz," I think to myself, " Just let God love you. Would that really be so bad?" No, and yes. Because what if I give in and let Him in and He turns and runs just like everyone else I have ever let in has? What if He betrays me too? He promises He won't run and that He won't leave but all I have is faith on that.

8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deut. 31:8

 I guess that is what it all comes down to: do I have the faith to believe God that when He says He will never leave me or forsake me that He means it? I suppose the answer to that is maybe, which I guess really means no. And I don't want my answer to be no, I want it to be yes, that I will trust Him in this. I will be obedient in this. I WILL be okay with being loved. How do I even start to do that though? 

Home Sick

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

One’s home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening — the best piece of pie you have ever eaten in your life — and can never find again. After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up. ~Lemony Snicket

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern

Worry

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."-Elisabeth Elliot

Thank You

Today is the beginning of my last week of DLA. These past two years have been a journey. I could have never imagined the things the Lord taught me through this process. I am a different person because of who the Lord is and the people he has placed in my life. If you are reading this chances are you are one of the people the Lord has used to bless me. So I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me financially, prayerfully, and emotionally. I cannot tell you how deeply you have impacted my life and the lives of others around me because of your yes. Thank you so much to everyone who walked this journey with me and encouraged me when I felt like giving up because it felt too hard. Thank you for always welcoming me back home with loving arms no matter how long I was away.  Thank you for believing I could do this and do it well. Thank you for reminding me of God and His faithfulness; for pushing me to continue to seek him. To all the friends I have made here, I know that we will always have a connection in him and I cannot wait to see where he leads us. Thank you for being the best friends and family I could ever ask for. Ya'll are the best!

As of right now I am waiting patiently (for once, ha!) on the Lord to lead me where he wants me to go. Your prayers would be gratefully appreciated in this. I may not be sure where he is leading but I know that it will be the best.