Into My Own

Into My Own

ONE of my wishes is that those dark trees, So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze, Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom, But stretched away unto the edge of doom.   I should not be withheld but that some day         5 Into their vastness I should steal away, Fearless of ever finding open land, Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.   I do not see why I should e’er turn back, Or those should not set forth upon my track         10 To overtake me, who should miss me here And long to know if still I held them dear.   They would not find me changed from him they knew— Only more sure of all I thought was true. Robert Frost

Change

Change.... that glorious thing that happens even if you want to hold onto your current circumstances forever. I realize that it can be a good thing, but like most good things it is hard to experience. I was looking at my old facebook pictures tonight and I realized how much has changed in the last two and a half months. I am not the same person that came to Colorado in September. A part of me is sad thinking about this, mostly because I know that things will never be the same. I will never be able to go back and be that person, or have those experiences. 

 Me, Taylor, Sammie, Reagan, and Kat  at Desperation

Me and my Bff Nicole at VBS this summer

Sara, Me, Reagan, and Sammie at Church Camp this Summer

Mostly what I am mourning is the change in friendships. My friends back home will have changed too and while that is not such a big deal if you live the change with them, it is a big deal if you are over 300 miles apart going through it. There will be inside jokes that I won't ever understand. There are going to be stories that I will tell them that I think are hilarious that they will find only slightly amusing; people that I will tell them about that they will probably never meet. It is just all so weird to think about. It seems as if when I left Amarillo, life there should have just stopped and waited for me to come back. That seems so selfish to say, seeing it written out. But that is how I feel at the moment, nostalgic, sad, and homesick.

Growing up is hard, and people try to tell you that but you don't really listen because you are so worried that it will never actually happen to you. Then when it finally does happen to you, you just want to go back to being a kid. Ain't life funny? 

I have met so many awesome people here in DLA and I can't imagine life here without them. I love how we are one big family, that even if you aren't particularly close to someone you can still count on them. I have grown so much since September. I am closer to God and I am growing in my relationship with Him daily. I'm overcoming my fear, failures and learning to be the person that God has called me to be. I would not trade this experience for anything. But at the same time a part of me wishes I could be at home too. 

Jill, Me, Sarah, and Christina at the DLA Barn dance

Me and my new best bud Sarah at the pumpkin patch

 

Kasie, Marisela, and me at the DLA retreat 

Tess, me and McKenna dressed as 80's girls for halloween

Kinsey,Me, Sarah, Madison, Tuyet, and Lauren

 Who knows where God will take me after DLA? I might go to college somewhere even farther from Texas, I might be a missionary to a foreign country. I have no idea where God might lead me, but I do that I have been incredibly blessed to live the life that I have. Even with all the changes and hardships, its all been worth it. 

Been A While....

Hey guys sorry I haven't posted in a while. We had Coram Deo 2 weekends ago and then I got sick. Since I got sick I spent last weekend catching up on all the things I didn't get done. I'll try to post this weekend.

DLA

Hey guys this is a video of me talking about what I am expecting God to do this year in my life.

He Calls Me Daughter

I feel like I should tell my story; the story of what God has done in my life. When I think it about it, it's not really my story but our story, God's and mine. I was born and raised in a Christian home with two loving parents and a younger brother. I accepted Christ into my life at the age of 4. I believe I was saved then, but I know I didn't have a real relationship with God. I grew up believing that I had to be the best person possible. I was not allowed to fail, at least in my own mind. I'm not sure where this mentality came from but I still struggle with it. Growing up I thought that maybe if I did everything right; if I didn't lie, cheat, steal, drink, have sex, like boys, go to parties or do anything at all to anger God, then maybe, just maybe, I would deserve God's love. I viewed God's love as something to be earned.
My dad is a great dad. He has always spoken love to me, and I know that I can talk to him about anything and he won't reject me. When I was a child though he was always very busy pastoring our small church. He worked a lot and didn't really have time to do things with me and my brother. I remember every summer we would go to our aunt and uncle's church for Vacation Bible School. At the end of the week on Sunday morning they would have the awards, and we would get to sing the songs we had learned that week. My dad never came to one of those that I can remember. I recall asking him to come, and he telling me that he wanted to but couldn't, he had to preach at our church. I never realized how much this bothered me until I became older. Why didn't he want to come? Didn't he want to see me sing? Didn't he want to know if I had memorized all the Bible verse or not? Wasn't I special enough for him to find someone else to preach just this once? I felt that I was not treasured or cared for. I know today that that is not true. My dad and I have a great relationship that has only grown better as I have gotten older.
I've been reading Brady Boyd's new book Sons and Daughters, and the Lord brought those old feelings and hurts to mind. He showed me how much He loves me, and that even though my earthly dad wasn't there, He was. God was there sitting in that audience smiling at me. He was delighted that I was singing to Him. He loved the fact that I memorized so many verses. I mattered to Him. He was there! All through my life He has been there. Even through what I call my "dark ages," He was there! He delights in me; He calls me daughter. He doesn't call me that lightly either, He bought me with a price. I was paid for, not in a sleazy or selfish way, but in a way that He cared enough about me to bring me out of the misery I was living in. I didn't have to earn anything. He gives his love to me as gift, a wonderful, beautiful gift. I can't quite come to terms with that. It blows my mind. He calls me daughter. ME, the girl who has struggled so long to feel accepted, loved, and wanted. Me, the girl who has fought panic attacks, anxiety, fear, and lies for the past three years. ME, who has been cruel, unkind, and uncaring towards others who were hurting. He loves ME! And I don't have to earn it, I don't have to do everything perfectly right, He loves me just as I am. Just the way I am. That realization is mind boggling and I am so grateful for it.
 I have a feeling though that accepting this love is a life long journey. I'm not sure that I will ever get over it. I'm also not sure that I mind that. :)

The Road Not Taken

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
 And sorry I could not travel both
 And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

 Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
 Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
 Had worn them really about the same,

 And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
 Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

 I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
 Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
 And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

21 years

I turned 21 today. I cannot believe that I am that old. It is unfathomable.
I feel like last year's blog about my birthday was profound, and this year I just have nil as far as passing on wisdom goes. I am learning a lot about God though, so that definitely counts for something. My relationship with Him is growing in leaps and bounds. I know that will probably slow down sometime soon, but right now I am enjoying getting to know God so much more than I ever have before. He keeps blowing my mind with how much He cares about me and what I do in my life. It really is freeing to know that I don't have to be in control of absolutely everything in my life. I'm still responsible for my choices, but there is freedom in knowing that if I obey God, I'm going to be ok. Even if bad things happen or things do not go according to my plan, God's got it. During morning prayer meeting today God brought to my mind Psalm 139. It talks about how God forms us and knows us so thoroughly. I recommend reading it, and keeping in mind that this is how God sees you. He cares so much about us. He know when we are standing or sitting, what we're thinking, and what we are doing with the time He has given us; He cares. I pray that all of you will experience God's love in your life like I have the past 21 years. It is life changing. . As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Africa by Relient K, and these lyrics stand out to me: "It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do." That is how God feels about us, but times ten! In Romans 8, Paul says that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God. Let that soak in for a minute. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. If that doesn't make you want to dance for joy then I don't know what will. The Creator of the universe knows what you are doing this very second. He wants an intimate relationship with you and me. I just cannot get over  that. It baffles and excites me all at the same time. So I guess if I had to say just one thing about turning 21, it would be this: I am so glad that I am loved by God, that He knows who I am and where I am going. He cares enough to be involved in every aspect of my life. For this, I am thankful.

Love

As I head into my third week at DLA, I take a step back and realize just how far God has brought me in such a short time. I am starting to realize how much I am loved by God. I have always had the head knowledge of that, but never the heart knowledge. It completely baffles me how much God actually cares about me. Through various quiet times and sermons He keeps bringing it up. People keep talking about how God is all about relationships; what He really wants is a deep, personal relationship with us. Sometimes I feel like I grasp that, and other times I feel like a 2 year old trying to understand rocket science. Why would He care that much about me? Or any of us for that matter. What drives God to do this? Why are humans so incredibly  important to Him? What makes us different from the angels or the animals? What is it about humans that makes God want to have a personal relationship with us? I don't have the answers to those questions yet. I think that this process will span my time in this world.
God keeps bringing Psalm 103 up in my quite times, especially verses 8-14. It says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious,slow to anger, abounding in love.He will not always accuse,nor will he harbor his anger forever;he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgression from us. As a father has compassion on his children,so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;for he knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust."
I think what God is trying to say is that no matter what we do, or where we go, He cares. Not just a little bit either, but more than we can imagine. 

Sometimes My Brain Says No, But My God Says Yes

Today is my 5th day at DLA and it feels more like it has been a month. God has taught me so much just in that small amount of time. We have had long talks about my fear and trust issues. During many of the prayer meetings God has been calling me to give Him absolutely everything of me. He keeps asking me to hold nothing back, to trust Him in every aspect of my life this year. Sometimes I feel like He is asking the impossible of me. But as I read the Bible and listen to God more, I realize that what He wants to do is to make my life better. Who wants to go around afraid of everything? Who wants to be so afraid of failing that they never try? I am so tired of living like that. God has been showing me many verses on this subject. Philippians 4: 8-9,12-13; 3:13-14; Psalm 33:22, and those are just a few of them! He has made it so clear that He is trustworthy. My brain just has a hard time comprehending it. I am starting to learn to overrule my brain and listen to God. After all what do I know compared to the Creator of the universe? Another verse that He keeps bringing to my mind is Psalm 116:7, "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." God has been good to me, more than I could have ever imagined! I am so blessed to be in DLA, to have this opportunity to grow closer to God, and to be around Godly people. I am going to make the best of it by giving God my all, holding nothing back and trusting in Him for everything. This is going to be a good year :)

Faith vs. Fear

     As many of you know I struggle with anxiety disorder. My journey to DLA has definitely brought out my anxiety attacks again. I was so sure I had them under control this summer. I felt at peace about everything and I knew that God was in control. Then I started to slack on my quite time with God, and things in the fear department got worse. I have had two panic attacks in the last two weeks, the most I've had in a year.

     I am so scared of the unknown and how I might fail miserably at DLA. I am also afraid of letting everyone that believes in me doing this down, especially those who gave money when I know that they needed it. I guess in a nutshell I am scared of failing at DLA and letting myself, and everyone else, down. My dad and I have had some really good talks the last two weeks about my fear and about what my job is at DLA. He keeps reminding that I have to completely trust in God, that He has everything in control. 

    Now of course this doesn't mean that I have no control over what happens, it means that I need to realize when I have control of things and when I need to realize God is in control. I just need to keep reminding myself that if I do fail, God gives second chances. He is not sitting up there just waiting for me to mess up so He can smite me. I often feel that that is the case. That if I mess up one too many times that He will get fed up and abandon me. I know I would have abandoned me a long time ago if I were Him. I am so glad that God is not like me. While I do not understand why He is the way He is, I am extremely grateful for it. 

   Like the song "Forever Reign" by One Sonic Society it says:

 "You are peace, You are peace

 When my fear is crippling 

You are true, You are true 

Even in my wandering."

     This song has really spoken to me in the past month. God's ways are not my ways. No matter what happens in Colorado God is in control. He is not sending me up there all by myself. He will be there every second of every day. I have nothing to fear. This verse has also helped me in dealing with all this. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18. 16 Therefor we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

   I just need to keep reminding myself that God is good. He does not delight in doing wrong to me. I pray that as I go through the DLA program I will come to learn more about Him and to lean on Him more.

The Adventure

I said goodbye to most of my church family of 5 years yesterday and today. It is a small comfort that it is not goodbye forever. I know that I will be back to visit but I also know I will not be a part of the church in the same way ever again. God has plans for me that require me to leave Amarillo for now. I may be leaving for good but that remains to be seen. I know that even if I never live in Amarillo again it will always be my home town. The people I've met and the things I have experienced have made me who I am and no matter where I go I will carry a small piece of Texas with me. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be a part of a church where everyone genuinely acts like family. Everyone there has helped me grow so much in my faith and relationship with God. I am going to miss you all so much! I know that I will make many friends at DLA but they will never replace the spot my FLC family has in my heart.

I close my eyes and go back in time...

As I write this I'm sitting on my front porch listening to Souvenirs by Switchfoot.  This song makes me think back to the last 10 years of my life. So much has changed in that time. I have grown from preteen to teen, and from teen to young adult. 

When I was younger I used to daydream about what my life would be like when I was older. "What kind of adult will I be?" I used to wonder. Will I have money? Will I have lots of friends or a boyfriend? Will I drive a nice car? What will my job like? So many questions about the future. 

Well the future has arrived and the answers surprise me. I had hoped that by age 20 I would be in college and well on my way to a degree, that I would have my own apartment and be completely self sufficient.  I had also hoped that I would've found "the one" by now. Not only has none of that happened yet, but it won't happen for several more years to come. I am leaving the city I have grown up in and around for a place that is strange and new and mountainous. I worry that I will forget all the familiar things and people here, that Colorado will make me forget where I have come from and how uniquely awesome it is, But at the same time I'm scared I will be so home sick I won't enjoy all the awesome things Colorado has to offer. I know that those are weird things to worry about, but at the moment these are my pressing thoughts. I don't want to forget my "Souvenirs."

But God has put me on a path I could have never imagined. And that is turning out to be a wonderful thing.

The stubborn part of me does still wish for some of those things, but I am beginning to realize that God's future for me is much greater than what I was capable of imaging at age 10 or even now, at age 20. It makes me think of that verse in 2 Corinthians 2 "What no eye has seen, What no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived-- the things God has prepared for those who love Him."

That is kind of spectacular when you think about it. God loves us so much that He has all these great plans for us, such great things that our human minds cannot begin to understand them. When I think about that, it makes it easier to trust Him, because He has my best in mind. 

I used to think I had my best in mind but I've grown to realize that really, what I can come up with as best is crap compared to God's best.  My "best" tends to be the easy way out, with little to no work involved. God's best is hard work and can be extremely challenging, but the rewards always far out weigh the risk. 

When Will I Learn?

Yesterday I was freaking out because I still needed $69 for my deposit. I had several conversations with my dad about how I should get the money and what I was going to do if I didn't get it. Every time we talked he just kept telling me "If God wants you to go, He will provide the money, stop worrying." I (being the worry wart that I am) just kept saying, "Yes I know but.."
Well I made a phone to a friend I hadn't seen in a while and she invited me over to hang out and catch up. Later I as I was leaving she gave me a check for $200. I'm pretty sure I heard God say right then "I told you so." When will I finally get this faith thing down? When will I reach the point in my relationship with God when I trust Him to take care of the big and the small in my life? I think part of the reason God has called me to go to DLA is to learn to trust Him. I hope that for my sake, I learn quickly.

Beginnings

So I decided to start this blog mostly because people keep asking me to keep them updated on what is happening in my life and with DLA. I figured that a weekly blog would be a good way of doing that.
 This week I had to have my $500 deposit in. I have to have that in by tonight actually and I am still $69 short. If I get nothing else out of this experience, I will at least have a strong prayer life.