Simple. I treat this word as if it is something easy to accomplish. "Stop over thinking and just make it simple" I hear time and time again. But what if simple isn't easy? What if it is hard? What if it is one of the most difficult things to do? God loves you, so love other people. God sacrificed everything to be with you, so sacrifice for others. Simple right? And yet oh so hard.
He keeps telling me to seek Him. That that is my only job right now, to just sit at His feet like Mary and soak in who He is. I thought it would be simple, easy. But it is not, it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. How do you even begin to know the God who created the universe and everything in it? The God who sent His only Son just to die for you so that He could have a relationship with you? A God who longs to be close and intimate?
I run from it. I run from the closeness and intimacy He calls me to. I cannot handle being close and honest with people, how then, am I supposed to do that with God?
But oh how I long for it too. I long to be known for who I am, all of the dirty, dark parts exposed so I won't have to keep hiding. Afraid that someone might see how bad I really am and run. Just like I run. God says He doesn't run, but I doubt. Like the man who asked Jesus to heal his son I cry out, " I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief (Mark 9:24)!" It is a vicious cycle I put myself through. I run, then realize I don't like where I am. So back I come, but I don't like how close He wants to get or how much He's asking of me. I run again. I know that if I keep on doing this it will lead to my destruction. Time and time again Jesus says we must be all in or all out; there is no in-between. Grace covers but there are still consequences.
"But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved."-Hebrews 10:39
I am tired of the vicious cycle. I want to stop shrinking back; to stand firm in faith and KNOW He is good even when I doubt. That His grace does cover all, even my fear and doubt. He is slowly and gently teaching me that I am safe in Him. He knows all of my sins and flaws already, and He still sent Jesus. He knew what He was getting into. I could never surprise Him with anything I choose to do. That thought brings comfort and peace.
