DLA

Hey guys this is a video of me talking about what I am expecting God to do this year in my life.

He Calls Me Daughter

I feel like I should tell my story; the story of what God has done in my life. When I think it about it, it's not really my story but our story, God's and mine. I was born and raised in a Christian home with two loving parents and a younger brother. I accepted Christ into my life at the age of 4. I believe I was saved then, but I know I didn't have a real relationship with God. I grew up believing that I had to be the best person possible. I was not allowed to fail, at least in my own mind. I'm not sure where this mentality came from but I still struggle with it. Growing up I thought that maybe if I did everything right; if I didn't lie, cheat, steal, drink, have sex, like boys, go to parties or do anything at all to anger God, then maybe, just maybe, I would deserve God's love. I viewed God's love as something to be earned.
My dad is a great dad. He has always spoken love to me, and I know that I can talk to him about anything and he won't reject me. When I was a child though he was always very busy pastoring our small church. He worked a lot and didn't really have time to do things with me and my brother. I remember every summer we would go to our aunt and uncle's church for Vacation Bible School. At the end of the week on Sunday morning they would have the awards, and we would get to sing the songs we had learned that week. My dad never came to one of those that I can remember. I recall asking him to come, and he telling me that he wanted to but couldn't, he had to preach at our church. I never realized how much this bothered me until I became older. Why didn't he want to come? Didn't he want to see me sing? Didn't he want to know if I had memorized all the Bible verse or not? Wasn't I special enough for him to find someone else to preach just this once? I felt that I was not treasured or cared for. I know today that that is not true. My dad and I have a great relationship that has only grown better as I have gotten older.
I've been reading Brady Boyd's new book Sons and Daughters, and the Lord brought those old feelings and hurts to mind. He showed me how much He loves me, and that even though my earthly dad wasn't there, He was. God was there sitting in that audience smiling at me. He was delighted that I was singing to Him. He loved the fact that I memorized so many verses. I mattered to Him. He was there! All through my life He has been there. Even through what I call my "dark ages," He was there! He delights in me; He calls me daughter. He doesn't call me that lightly either, He bought me with a price. I was paid for, not in a sleazy or selfish way, but in a way that He cared enough about me to bring me out of the misery I was living in. I didn't have to earn anything. He gives his love to me as gift, a wonderful, beautiful gift. I can't quite come to terms with that. It blows my mind. He calls me daughter. ME, the girl who has struggled so long to feel accepted, loved, and wanted. Me, the girl who has fought panic attacks, anxiety, fear, and lies for the past three years. ME, who has been cruel, unkind, and uncaring towards others who were hurting. He loves ME! And I don't have to earn it, I don't have to do everything perfectly right, He loves me just as I am. Just the way I am. That realization is mind boggling and I am so grateful for it.
 I have a feeling though that accepting this love is a life long journey. I'm not sure that I will ever get over it. I'm also not sure that I mind that. :)

The Road Not Taken

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
 And sorry I could not travel both
 And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

 Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
 Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
 Had worn them really about the same,

 And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
 Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

 I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
 Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
 And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

21 years

I turned 21 today. I cannot believe that I am that old. It is unfathomable.
I feel like last year's blog about my birthday was profound, and this year I just have nil as far as passing on wisdom goes. I am learning a lot about God though, so that definitely counts for something. My relationship with Him is growing in leaps and bounds. I know that will probably slow down sometime soon, but right now I am enjoying getting to know God so much more than I ever have before. He keeps blowing my mind with how much He cares about me and what I do in my life. It really is freeing to know that I don't have to be in control of absolutely everything in my life. I'm still responsible for my choices, but there is freedom in knowing that if I obey God, I'm going to be ok. Even if bad things happen or things do not go according to my plan, God's got it. During morning prayer meeting today God brought to my mind Psalm 139. It talks about how God forms us and knows us so thoroughly. I recommend reading it, and keeping in mind that this is how God sees you. He cares so much about us. He know when we are standing or sitting, what we're thinking, and what we are doing with the time He has given us; He cares. I pray that all of you will experience God's love in your life like I have the past 21 years. It is life changing. . As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Africa by Relient K, and these lyrics stand out to me: "It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do." That is how God feels about us, but times ten! In Romans 8, Paul says that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God. Let that soak in for a minute. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. If that doesn't make you want to dance for joy then I don't know what will. The Creator of the universe knows what you are doing this very second. He wants an intimate relationship with you and me. I just cannot get over  that. It baffles and excites me all at the same time. So I guess if I had to say just one thing about turning 21, it would be this: I am so glad that I am loved by God, that He knows who I am and where I am going. He cares enough to be involved in every aspect of my life. For this, I am thankful.

Love

As I head into my third week at DLA, I take a step back and realize just how far God has brought me in such a short time. I am starting to realize how much I am loved by God. I have always had the head knowledge of that, but never the heart knowledge. It completely baffles me how much God actually cares about me. Through various quiet times and sermons He keeps bringing it up. People keep talking about how God is all about relationships; what He really wants is a deep, personal relationship with us. Sometimes I feel like I grasp that, and other times I feel like a 2 year old trying to understand rocket science. Why would He care that much about me? Or any of us for that matter. What drives God to do this? Why are humans so incredibly  important to Him? What makes us different from the angels or the animals? What is it about humans that makes God want to have a personal relationship with us? I don't have the answers to those questions yet. I think that this process will span my time in this world.
God keeps bringing Psalm 103 up in my quite times, especially verses 8-14. It says: "The Lord is compassionate and gracious,slow to anger, abounding in love.He will not always accuse,nor will he harbor his anger forever;he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgression from us. As a father has compassion on his children,so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;for he knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust."
I think what God is trying to say is that no matter what we do, or where we go, He cares. Not just a little bit either, but more than we can imagine.