People tell me all the time that they love me: ending a phone conversation with one of my family members, saying goodbye to a friend/acquaintance, when I text someone something nice about themselves, are of these examples of love? or just really strong liking?
I no longer trust when people tell me that that love me. I have been hurt and betrayed too many times by people that claimed to "love" me. For me, love is about consistent action and not just words. SO MANY TIMES I have heard the words "Aw Liz I just LOVE you!" and too many times that person never contacts me again. Now, I realize that friends come and go as we grow older, but this has happened to so often to me that I wonder if it is not an epidemic in our world. I know I struggle with doing the very same thing to people. I say something nice so they know that I am nice person, but I never really pursue getting to know them.
I think we as Christians try to encourage people by telling them that we love them, but we never back it up with our actions. Love is not just saying encouraging words, it is walking through life with people, being there for them when they need you, going out of your way and making sacrifices to help better them as a person. Love is supposed to be selfless.
But real love is hard, one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I run from this kind of love. This is my current struggle with God. He keeps telling me that in order to love others, I have to accept the love He has for me. I am fighting this though. I am fighting to accept the knowledge that no matter what I say or do, God loves me. How can this be when everyone I have ever known has based their love for me on the actions I make? I keep thinking that in order to truly be loved by God I need to be doing something spectacular for Him, like be a missionary or a martyr.
I have always been moved by the story of the 5 missionaries who gave their lives so that the Auca Indians in the Amazon jungle could come to know Jesus. Jim Elliot is one of my heroes. I knew that God loved him because Jim was willing to die for God. So I thought to myself, " If I become a missionary then God will have to love me, because I will be sacrificing for him and he will know how much I respect him." Totally wrong view point I know, but I'm starting to realize that this thinking has consumed much of my view of God. That if I make sacrifices in my life for him then he has to take me.
One of the problems with this view point is that so far I haven't done much sacrificing. I so want to live over seas and help other people, but all those doors have been slammed in my face. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that I had no real idea of why I want to do that so badly. With those doors closed I have become upset, angry, confused, and hurt. If I can't sacrifice the way I want to then how is God going to be able to accept me? What if I am doomed to live in America my whole life? How can I be a good Christian then? I wish I could say that realizing that I have been thinking this way has helped correct some my wrong thinking but it hasn't. It has only made me feel worse. And I am not sure what to do about it.
Letting God in to love me just because He made me and wants to love me is scary, and I'm not sure I want to do it. I feel like the prodigal son when he wants to tell his father that he is fine with just being a servant in his father's house, JUST LET ME BE A SERVANT! I don't need to have your love because I know I don't deserve it. Just let me serve you, don't come any closer and this will work out fine. But He won't do it, He won't let me just be a servant. I keep thinking that at some point I will wear him out and he'll give in and I can get along fine on my own, but I know I can't and I know he won't. So here I am, stuck in this sick cycle of my own making. Fearing love, but desperately seeking it at the same time.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
Then I read that passage of Scripture, which basically says I can be a servant all I want but it won't matter one bit if I don't love. That being a servant without loving the people I am serving is worthless. But I can only love others if I know that I am loved; I cannot give what I do not have. I know this, but I still fight it. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for fighting it. "Just give in Liz," I think to myself, " Just let God love you. Would that really be so bad?" No, and yes. Because what if I give in and let Him in and He turns and runs just like everyone else I have ever let in has? What if He betrays me too? He promises He won't run and that He won't leave but all I have is faith on that.
8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deut. 31:8
I guess that is what it all comes down to: do I have the faith to believe God that when He says He will never leave me or forsake me that He means it? I suppose the answer to that is maybe, which I guess really means no. And I don't want my answer to be no, I want it to be yes, that I will trust Him in this. I will be obedient in this. I WILL be okay with being loved. How do I even start to do that though?
Then I read that passage of Scripture, which basically says I can be a servant all I want but it won't matter one bit if I don't love. That being a servant without loving the people I am serving is worthless. But I can only love others if I know that I am loved; I cannot give what I do not have. I know this, but I still fight it. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for fighting it. "Just give in Liz," I think to myself, " Just let God love you. Would that really be so bad?" No, and yes. Because what if I give in and let Him in and He turns and runs just like everyone else I have ever let in has? What if He betrays me too? He promises He won't run and that He won't leave but all I have is faith on that.
8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deut. 31:8
I guess that is what it all comes down to: do I have the faith to believe God that when He says He will never leave me or forsake me that He means it? I suppose the answer to that is maybe, which I guess really means no. And I don't want my answer to be no, I want it to be yes, that I will trust Him in this. I will be obedient in this. I WILL be okay with being loved. How do I even start to do that though?
