Love. Part 1

Love, a word that is used to convey our violent like for something or someone. I've been struggling with this word lately; what exactly does it mean to love?

People tell me all the time that they love me: ending a phone conversation with one of my family members, saying goodbye to a friend/acquaintance, when I text someone something nice about themselves, are of these examples of love? or just really strong liking? 

I no longer trust when people tell me that that love me. I have been hurt and betrayed too many times by people that claimed to "love" me. For me, love is about consistent action and not just words. SO MANY TIMES I have heard the words "Aw Liz I just LOVE you!" and too many times that person never contacts me again. Now, I realize that friends come and go as we grow older, but this has happened to so often to me that I wonder if it is not an epidemic in our world. I know I struggle with doing the very same thing to people. I say something nice so they know that I am nice person, but I never really pursue getting to know them. 
I think we as Christians try to encourage people by telling them that we love them, but we never back it up with our actions. Love is not just saying encouraging words, it is walking through life with people, being there for them when they need you, going out of your way and making sacrifices to help better them as a person. Love is supposed to be selfless. 


But real love is hard, one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I run from this kind of love. This is my current struggle with God. He keeps telling me that in order to love others, I have to accept the love He has for me. I am fighting this though. I am fighting to accept the knowledge that no matter what I say or do, God loves me. How can this be when everyone I have ever known has based their love for me on the actions I make? I keep thinking that in order to truly be loved by God I need to be doing something spectacular for Him, like be a missionary or a martyr. 

I have always been moved by the story of the 5 missionaries who gave their lives so that the Auca Indians in the Amazon jungle could come to know Jesus.  Jim Elliot is one of my heroes. I knew that God loved him because Jim was willing to die for God. So I thought to myself, " If I become a missionary then God will have to love me, because I will be sacrificing for him and he will know how much I respect him." Totally wrong view point I know, but I'm starting to realize that this thinking has consumed much of my view of God. That if I make sacrifices in my life for him then he has to take me.

 One of the problems with this view point is that so far I haven't done much sacrificing. I so want to live over seas and help other people, but all those doors have been slammed in my face. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that I had no real idea of why I want to do that so badly. With those doors closed I have become upset, angry, confused, and hurt. If I can't sacrifice the way  I want to then how is God going to be able to accept me? What if I am doomed to live in America my whole life? How can I be a good Christian then? I wish I could say that realizing that I have been thinking this way has helped correct some my wrong thinking but it hasn't. It has only made me feel worse. And I am not sure what to do about it.

 Letting God in to love me just because He made me and wants to love me is scary, and I'm not sure I want to do it. I feel like the prodigal son when he wants to tell his father that he is fine with just being a servant in his father's house, JUST LET ME BE A SERVANT! I don't need to have your love because I know I don't deserve it. Just let me serve you, don't come any closer and this will work out fine. But He won't do it, He won't let me just be a servant. I keep thinking that at some point I will wear him out and he'll give in and I can get along fine on my own, but I know I can't and I know he won't. So here I am, stuck in this sick cycle of my own making. Fearing love, but desperately seeking it at the same time.   

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

Then I read that passage of Scripture, which basically says I can be a servant all I want but it won't matter one bit if I don't love. That being a servant without loving the people I am serving is worthless. But I can only love others if I know that I am loved; I cannot give what I do not have. I know this, but I still fight it. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for fighting it. "Just give in Liz," I think to myself, " Just let God love you. Would that really be so bad?" No, and yes. Because what if I give in and let Him in and He turns and runs just like everyone else I have ever let in has? What if He betrays me too? He promises He won't run and that He won't leave but all I have is faith on that.

8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deut. 31:8

 I guess that is what it all comes down to: do I have the faith to believe God that when He says He will never leave me or forsake me that He means it? I suppose the answer to that is maybe, which I guess really means no. And I don't want my answer to be no, I want it to be yes, that I will trust Him in this. I will be obedient in this. I WILL be okay with being loved. How do I even start to do that though? 

Home Sick

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

One’s home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening — the best piece of pie you have ever eaten in your life — and can never find again. After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up. ~Lemony Snicket

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern

Worry

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."-Elisabeth Elliot

Thank You

Today is the beginning of my last week of DLA. These past two years have been a journey. I could have never imagined the things the Lord taught me through this process. I am a different person because of who the Lord is and the people he has placed in my life. If you are reading this chances are you are one of the people the Lord has used to bless me. So I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me financially, prayerfully, and emotionally. I cannot tell you how deeply you have impacted my life and the lives of others around me because of your yes. Thank you so much to everyone who walked this journey with me and encouraged me when I felt like giving up because it felt too hard. Thank you for always welcoming me back home with loving arms no matter how long I was away.  Thank you for believing I could do this and do it well. Thank you for reminding me of God and His faithfulness; for pushing me to continue to seek him. To all the friends I have made here, I know that we will always have a connection in him and I cannot wait to see where he leads us. Thank you for being the best friends and family I could ever ask for. Ya'll are the best!

As of right now I am waiting patiently (for once, ha!) on the Lord to lead me where he wants me to go. Your prayers would be gratefully appreciated in this. I may not be sure where he is leading but I know that it will be the best. 

Be Still and Know

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress."

This passage stuck out to me tonight as I was thinking about this past year and everything that has happened. I started this year of DLA angry that I was coming back and wasn't Core. I just could not understand what I would be gaining by coming back without being in a position to lead. God told me right off the bat that He wanted me to just sit at His feet and learn who He is. I, of course, spent most of my time struggling and fighting that. I thought if I wasn't supposed to be Core then maybe His plan was to connect me with one of the many awesome missions organizations that are based here. Nope. Instead I work at Chick-fil-a. 

Through out the year He has had to keep reminding me over and over and over again that I am here to KNOW Him. All He wanted from me was to BE STILL and KNOW who He is, and who I am as a result of that. What strikes me in Psalm 46 is that it is not a calm passage. There is war, trouble, the earth being destroyed, and turmoil. Yet in the midst of all that He says not to fear, to be calm, and understand who He is in the midst of everything. I always thought that to be still you had to be in a place where there is peace and quiet. But this verse says otherwise. In the middle of all your troubles, trials, and fast paced life, BE STILL. That is when you need to KNOW who God is the most; when everything around you is falling apart.

I still do not know what I am going to do after DLA. I have about two weeks left and absolutely no idea what my life will look like or where I'll be living. But for the first time in my life I am not a completely terrified of major change. He has proven Himself so, so faithful these past two years that I know He has a plan. He will reveal it when I'm ready. In the meantime I will praise Him for all the good has done. For He is good, no matter the circumstances. If that is the only thing I learned this year, then it was more than worth it. 

Second Year Tea

These are pictures from the Second Year Tea. All of the second year girls get together and wear nice dresses and big hats to a tea put on by alumni. Several of the alumni spoke about life after DLA and what to expect and what to fight for. It was a great morning. 

                                                                       Me and Adina

                                                             Christelle, Kinsey, and me

                                                                Kinsey and me

                                                                              Mia and me

Simple Trust

Simple. I treat this word as if it is something easy to accomplish. "Stop over thinking and just make it simple" I hear time and time again. But what if simple isn't easy? What if it is hard? What if it is one of the most difficult things to do? God loves you, so love other people. God sacrificed everything to be with you, so sacrifice for others. Simple right? And yet oh so hard.

He keeps telling me to seek Him. That that is my only job right now, to just sit at His feet like Mary and soak in who He is. I thought it would be simple, easy. But it is not, it is one of the most difficult things for me to do. How do you even begin to know the God who created the universe and everything in it? The God who sent His only Son just to die for you so that He could have a relationship with you? A God who longs to be close and intimate?
 I run from it. I run from the closeness and intimacy He calls me to. I cannot handle being close and honest with people, how then, am I supposed to do that with God?

But oh how I long for it too. I long to be known for who I am, all of the dirty, dark parts exposed so I won't have to keep hiding. Afraid that someone might see how bad I really am and run. Just like I run. God says He doesn't run, but I doubt. Like the man who asked Jesus to heal his son I cry out, " I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief (Mark 9:24)!"  It is a vicious cycle I put myself through. I run, then realize I don't like where I am. So back I come, but I don't like how close He wants to get or how much He's asking of me. I run again. I know that if I keep on doing this it will lead to my destruction. Time and time again Jesus says we must be all in or all out; there is no in-between. Grace covers but there are still consequences.

 "But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved."-Hebrews 10:39

I am tired of the vicious cycle. I want to stop shrinking back; to stand firm in faith and KNOW He is good even when I doubt. That His grace does cover all, even my fear and doubt. He is slowly and gently teaching me that I am safe in Him. He knows all of my sins and flaws already, and He still sent Jesus. He knew what He was getting into. I could never surprise Him with anything I choose to do. That thought brings comfort and peace.

Obedience

Obedience
By George MacDonald
(1824-1905)

I said: “Let me walk in the fields.”
He said: “No, walk in the town.”
I said: “There are no flowers there.”
He said: “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said: “But the skies are black;
There is nothing but noise and din.”
And He wept as He sent me back –
“There is more,” He said; “there is sin.”

I said: “But the air is thick,
And fogs are veiling the sun.”
He answered: “Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone!”

I said: “I shall miss the light,
And friends will miss me, they say.”
He answered: “Choose tonight
If I am to miss you or they.”

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said: “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem so hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the fields,
Then set my face to the town;
He said, “My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?”

Then into His hand went mine;

And into my heart came He;

And I walk in a light divine,

The path I had feared to see.

Obedience to the Lord is something I struggle with. Especially lately when He has been calling me to give Him all that I cling to that isn't Him. He keeps gently reminding me that I have to love others with His love and that means getting involved in the messy parts of other people's lives. I normally run from people with obvious emotional wounds.  I have been hurt deeply by people like that in the past and it was (and still is) something that I never want to go through again. Because in order to help them you have to be vulnerable and let them in your heart. You have to love them deeply and to love them deeply you have to get down in the filth and mire and help them see that there is another way. You have to love unconditionally and expose the vulnerable parts of your heart. This makes me want to run. I want to walk in the flowers and sunshine of my own life without having to worry about other people.

Whenever I feel like running away (which, sadly, is often) Jesus reminds me that He came and reached into the mess of my life and made me new. He didn't look at all the wounds and filth and say "You are just too dirty. I am sorry but you're on your own." Instead He came and took all of that on Himself. He knelt down and washed my feet and made me clean. Now He calls me to do the same; to love those that are broken and hurting, those who are lost and alone. He wants me to go and tell others who He is and what He has done for me. So step by step I am learning to walk in this. Even though this terrifies me I am learning to trust in Him and His love. I am so thankful for a patient, loving, God that walks with us in our struggles. 

Courage

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 

― Theodore Roosevelt

I want this poem to be true of me. When I look back on my life I want to see that I attempted great things, that I did not let fear control what I did or didn't do. I want to know that I gave every last ounce of everything that I had and I did not shrink back in fear or timidity. I want to be on my deathbed completely spent because I have given everything that I was given. I want to be able to stand before Jesus someday and know that I poured my life out at His feet. I want this passage to be my life:

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings." -Isaiah 58:9b-12

Growing Pains Pt.2 (Singleness)

I am at the age in life when the majority of people around me are either dating, wish they were dating and/or getting married, married, or having children.  On good days I am okay with being single. Being able to choose what I do, when, and who with is wonderful. On bad days I worry and wonder why in all 22 years of my life not one single guy has ever asked me out.

Some time ago I was blessed with the opportunity to hang out with women who are farther ahead in life than me. Most of them are married and have kids. Listening to them talk about where they are at and what they struggle with made me realize that being married is not easier than being single. I think that is a lie that most of us single people believe at one time or another. That if we just had that one special person, life would not be so hard. Sometimes I get caught up in that faulty thinking. I forget that being in a relationship is twice as much work as not being a relationship. I forget that it is a sacrificial thing. Yes it is wonderful and beautiful but it is hard.
I want my single years to mean something. I don't want to look back at this time in my life and regret not doing things because I was so worried about finding 'The One." I think my generation is plagued with the fear of being alone. We are all sitting around waiting for that right person to come and tap us on the shoulder and say: "Here I am! Sorry it took me so long. Your life can officially begin now." I'm tired of meeting guys and thinking "Could he be it? Is he the one who I might marry?" Honestly I am tired of waiting.

Whenever I think of waiting I have a mental picture of someone sitting somewhere quite not doing anything but thinking about what they are waiting for. This is probably flawed but it is what comes to mind. It makes me think of lyrics to a song that was popular when I was in high school ( I say popular but what I really mean is that it was big in my homeschool world).
This was the chrous:
No more dating I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
and this was the bridge:
Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep Gods
Preparing one for me

The bridge always bothered me. I would think," isn't there more to life than sleeping? Is that all that waiting is?" I think the band meant well but what I received was a very confusing message: Don't date, just wait for that one special guy to show up and sweep you off your feet. That is what life is about.

 I want to start living like finding a husband isn't first priority in my life. I want to grow in who God has created me to be and learn the things He wants me to learn. There is so much I can do out there without having a significant other. Instead of focusing on who I'm going to marry when it is obviously not that season in my life I'm going to focus on things that I can do now. I think for me it comes down to am I going to trust God to bring the right guy into my life when the time is right? Or am I going to spend all of my time worrying about it?
No more waiting for me. I'm going to go start living.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink: or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air: they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:25-27