Surrender

Surrender. Such a small word with such large implications. I'll admit that surrender is something that I struggle with, especially in my walk with Jesus. I use my anxiety as crutch for why I can't let him take control of certain situations. "Oh sorry Lord, can't let you have that or I'll have a panic attack, you understand." I try to control my life and things in it because I think I know better than the Creator of the universe, and even if I don't think I know better, I know for sure that my way will cause me less pain in the here and now. Until it doesn't. Until I am hurting and broken and asking God why He let this thing happen. God is gracious and kind and sits with me in the pain of my own making and gently leads me to the place He wanted me at the beginning. If only I had listened and surrendered the first time.
So I learn my lesson in that area until another situation comes up and again I am presented with the choice, surrender or my way? Oh how I wish I always chose surrender. But surrender is scary and fear is a liar.
 "What will people think of you Liz?"
 "What if this doesn't work?"
 "What if this hurts instead of helps?"
All the doubts come rushing in and I let them. Since my panic attacks started about 9 years ago I have been going to counseling on and off. Recently my counselor and I have been talking about how powerfully connected your thinking is to what your actions are. If I think about the fear, I will be fearful. If I remind myself that God has NEVER failed me, NEVER let me down or led me astray, than I live in the peace of keeping my mind on the truth. Surrender is easier when I am remember WHO I am surrendering to and don't let myself be bogged down by all the whats that might happen. I pray that this is a year of growing the in my trust of the Lord and His leading. May I not be afraid to jump into what He has called me to. May I lean into the knowledge that He is good.