Loneliness

Loneliness is something I'm having to learn to deal with. I am surround by people during the week but sometimes I feel lost in the crowd. There are 36 of us in the Lead Track and then I don't know how many more in Missional Track. People see me as the "quiet one" which means that most people don't really try to talk to me. I do have friends but its hard to schedule time to hang out when we all have so much going on. I guess thinking about it, there are so many things going on its amazing we talk at all. And to be honest I'm bad at reaching out to others as well. I never know what to say or do without coming across as awkward. I think maybe that is what the real problem is, I have no idea how to connect to people. I feel like I have been trying to figure that out my whole life. I'm always surprised when someone has had an experience similar to mine because I feel so ostracized sometimes. I feel like this incredibly awkward person who will never fit in anywhere. People try to categorize me in the awkward home school group but I have just enough social skills to not fit in there, but too much naivete to fit in with the public schoolers. I'm not really sure what I am looking for in people. Probably something that I will only ever find in Jesus. At times that is hard to swallow, especially when I see people together doing things that I would have liked to have been invited to. But then sometimes when I am invited to things I turn people down just because. I purposely exclude myself and then I regret it. Why do I do that? Am I that scared of being vulnerable? All I know is that I will definitely have to take this to Jesus. I am so glad that He never leaves me and that I am always invited to do things with him, no matter how I feel. Thank you God for being so good to me. Even when I am such a mess.