Faith vs. Fear

     As many of you know I struggle with anxiety disorder. My journey to DLA has definitely brought out my anxiety attacks again. I was so sure I had them under control this summer. I felt at peace about everything and I knew that God was in control. Then I started to slack on my quite time with God, and things in the fear department got worse. I have had two panic attacks in the last two weeks, the most I've had in a year.

     I am so scared of the unknown and how I might fail miserably at DLA. I am also afraid of letting everyone that believes in me doing this down, especially those who gave money when I know that they needed it. I guess in a nutshell I am scared of failing at DLA and letting myself, and everyone else, down. My dad and I have had some really good talks the last two weeks about my fear and about what my job is at DLA. He keeps reminding that I have to completely trust in God, that He has everything in control. 

    Now of course this doesn't mean that I have no control over what happens, it means that I need to realize when I have control of things and when I need to realize God is in control. I just need to keep reminding myself that if I do fail, God gives second chances. He is not sitting up there just waiting for me to mess up so He can smite me. I often feel that that is the case. That if I mess up one too many times that He will get fed up and abandon me. I know I would have abandoned me a long time ago if I were Him. I am so glad that God is not like me. While I do not understand why He is the way He is, I am extremely grateful for it. 

   Like the song "Forever Reign" by One Sonic Society it says:

 "You are peace, You are peace

 When my fear is crippling 

You are true, You are true 

Even in my wandering."

     This song has really spoken to me in the past month. God's ways are not my ways. No matter what happens in Colorado God is in control. He is not sending me up there all by myself. He will be there every second of every day. I have nothing to fear. This verse has also helped me in dealing with all this. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18. 16 Therefor we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

   I just need to keep reminding myself that God is good. He does not delight in doing wrong to me. I pray that as I go through the DLA program I will come to learn more about Him and to lean on Him more.